Sorry, I poofed..

•December 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I guess I forgot to update. I kinda lost motivation again. These things happen.

 

Stuff has been on and off okay and not okay. Black friday was horrible for me, I went shopping with my bf and his stepbrothers and I shut down in the store. Badly. It’s super scary to shut down in the middle of a crowded store and not be able to find your partner, not be able to find an exit, or even find your feet. I was stuck in place last time it happened, and it wasn’t until people physically pushed me out of the aisle was I then grabbed by my boyfriend and was able to ‘come back’… I’m thankful that he understands as much as he does, and tries his best to look out for me. But i don’t want to have to be dependent on him for even simple tasks like grocery shopping. I wish I was even remotely independent.

 

Things were okay for a little while after that. I got to see my therapist again after not seeing her for 2 weeks. That made me feel better.

 

This weekend though things took a nose dive. My dog had a seizure and it seemed to re-traumatize me all over again. The last time I felt a dog in my arms like that, it was my dog of 13 yrs passing away…And before that it was my puppy of 2 months old passing away…

 

Thankfully my dog is fine and acting like normal. But I can’t get the images out of my head. I can’t get the thoughts out. I broke down into an hour long anxiety attack that same night. I couldn’t breathe very easily, I couldn’t get a deep breath in. I couldn’t stop worrying. I felt so out of control, I felt like calling a crisis hotline for help. But i was frozen in place, I couldn’t really bring myself to move from where I was at. It lasted for almost an hour, with multiple people online trying to help me out.

 

I’m now thinking about service dog with a lot more consideration. There’s many tasks it could help me out with.

 

 providing deep pressure to stave off meltdowns, to help bring me out of meltdowns, physically blocking people from getting too close in stores or public transit, alerting me to people coming up from behind (i startle way too easily and it screws with my anxiety badly), finding the exit or finding someone (bob, mom, friend) when i’ve shutdown…

Therapy today was good.

•November 14, 2012 • Leave a Comment

We touched upon a lot of things… I’m still very new to the therapy process in general, so we’re kinda figuring things out as they go along with what works and what may need to be changed.

 

Two weeks ago I started writing in a journal daily for how I felt, how things were going, etc. Last week I wasn’t so bad with being overly wordy, this week I was. She didn’t mind- she was glad that I was writing. But it took up too much of our time and she felt bad that most of it was just discussing the week, not what I felt needed to be talked about currently. But it was okay, I’ve figured out that I’ll continue to write but I’ll scan it in 2 days or so before the appt, email it, and I’ll let her read it on her own time.

 

We touched upon quite a few things. Flashbacks, my relationships with people, being triggered, etc. I’m writing it all down now before I forget later…as my memory likes to do with me.

 

 

She was glad to hear that my SO has been figuring out how to help calm me down when I get triggered. She’s also learning just what triggers me, and how to watch out for it. Talking about past CSA obviously is a trigger, but more than that- any time I start feeling very scared or emotionally overwhelmed, I react as if I’m back in the situation when I was 4. It was an eye opener…and it made sense. She explained to me that people who represent my dad will probably always trigger me, I can’t control what appearance those emotions are tied to. BUT I can control how I react to being triggered, and help myself to overcome it safely. Right now I know how to comfort myself slightly afterwards, but not keep myself from spiraling out of control. More on that in a bit.

 

We talked about dreams and nightmares too. I had a few bad dreams within 2 nights, and so I wrote them down and showed them to her. She explained that dreams are our body/mind’s way of processing things during the night. If a dream comes back or turns into a nightmare, it’s likely that it’s repeating some unprocessed emotions or events. They need to be resolved, so your mind can be at rest. Someone with a high level of anxiety and worries a lot during the day is more prone to nightmares because of all the unprocessed feelings that get shoved to the side during the day. She urged me to avoid watching the news, and try to keep writing it down if I get more of these bad dreams.

 

The last thing we touched upon for sure was my anxiety over the holidays…and how my bf’s stepdad is a trigger back to my CSA AND to my current anxiety. He looks like him, uses fear to control, and gets drunk nightly- and he’s an angry drunk. Controlling and imposing. She gave me tips on how to center myself if I get confronted again, and reminded me that these feelings didn’t make me “broken”, they were all valid feelings! I needed to hear that. I’m always so down on myself about it. She told me to call or email her if I need anything, and she’ll get to me as soon as possible.

 

Small thing that was mentioned was that she was there to help me process all these things I feel, and learn how to react to them in a more effective way. She was quick to tell me that I’m learning quickly and I’m already making some progress- I went from being afraid of being touched by any stranger/someone not super close to me, to allowing myself hugs from her and feeling safe and centered while getting the hug. It shows that I’m getting more comfortable- which to me is both scary but good.

I finally remembered the other important thing…We talked about the art I showed her…even though I was afraid to show it.

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6uastuodlf…malresized.png

 

She loved the picture, but we went through and discussed why I was feeling the words etched into the background. She then said that with 100% certainty she can name several good qualities about me that would prove I’m not “broken”…Such as having a significant other, having a circle of friends, and having online circles I can go to..But I said I don’t function in society as well as I want to. The key words were “as well as I want to”. I do function in society to an extent- I can leave the house to do errands, and I started college, etc. She said it’s okay to be different, and that she herself would rather be “different and unique” than “normal and the same”, and that it’s alright to feel different. I said I like being unique, but not different to the point of disabling. I can’t even feign relationships with people in order to get things ‘done’, such as study buddies for college. Relationships that serve a purpose and only that purpose.

 

 

At the very end when we both got up to walk out, I stopped for half a second kinda waiting for her to walk first and ‘lead the way’ since I need guidance for the smallest of things like that…and she turned to me, opened her arms wide and said ‘Hug!!’ all excitedly, and gave me a big hug. I melted for the split second and said thank you at least 5 times. I felt loved. I’ll miss her next week, but I’ll probably call her at some point.

Disappointed in myself. :/

•November 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but I feel this is going to be a continuing lingering cloud over my head for a while.

 

I disappointed myself today. I hurt a new friend without trying to. I hit a big argument with my mom and was scared and hurt. I didn’t feel safe in my room because the argument was going on in my room and things were getting rough. I went online to a chatroom where I had recently become friends with someone who was really nice. He tried to offer suggestions, and I gave excuses because I didn’t honestly see any other way out. I somehow dumbed the situation down after it happened, and gave the impression that I was blowing it off as if it was nothing even though it was a big situation just moments before. I hurt him because I reminded him of something painful in his past. Now he has to distance himself from me.

I feel disappointed. Upset, and depressed. Looking at an expressions chart, I can also say that I’m feeling guilty, ashamed, and lonely. I struggle with new friendships a lot. I cannot find an even balance in my life with them. I either don’t talk to the ‘new friend’ at all for a while, or I latch onto them and swarm them unintentionally. I don’t mean to. I just don’t know how to be friends and not spend all my time with them. I think that I’m unintentionally trying to get something from friendships that I never got out of a parental relationship. But I feel like I’m  manipulating people too. and I want it to stop. I want to have “normal” friendships with people. I don’t want to push them away, or hurt them, or make them feel uncomfortable. And I don’t want to feel like something is wrong just because I spent so much time with them for like a week, and then suddenly they started to lower the amount of time they talk with me. I want to be able to do this. But I don’t know how. :/

Mood log

•November 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I’ve started a mood log of sorts with my therapist. I went out and bought a special journal book and I’ve been writing things down in it.

I had a bit of a hard time last night though. We hit a trigger (my bf and I) and I ended up crying and breaking down for several minutes, unstable. I was able to pull through, but it was rough and I ended up sleeping until 3 p.m today. I’m going to stay up all night probably and then try to fix it tomorrow. (Sleep schedule that is).

Any of you have any questions for me? XD

I slacked, oops!

•November 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

With Hurricane sandy going through, I spent all week focusing on the storm that I forgot to update my blog.

I also ended up going to therapy unprepared and without anything to specifically talk about myself. So I was a nervous wreck going in.

But my therapist is great and led the way for me, which made it so much easier. We talked about a lot of things, covering a lot of ground. She wanted me to try and think of different scenarios that I’m likely to be anxious in, and I was able to give a few. Trying to understand my way of thinking though is difficult. I am unaware of my triggers until I actually get triggered- but then I detach and can’t remember it. So to try and combat the detachment, I’m going to be doing a mood diary. This’ll be interesting. She encourages me to draw or write whatever I want in it. So I’m going to go to the store later and find a nice book that I can use only for that.

At the very end, I ran out of things to talk about because I had remembered as much as I could. We ran out of time anyway, so as we got up to leave I asked if I could give her a hug, and so she gave me one back. It really made me feel happy and secure. Hugs are something that can be very comforting and reassuring to me sometimes.

Therapy again, doing better.

•November 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment
 

Back from therapy, feeling so much better tonight too. I forget just how understanding she actually is. She encourages me to write my feelings and thoughts out throughout the week and email them to her. She even understood when I told her that I really need her to help structure the therapy with me, I can’t just go in blind because then I’ll not get anything done. So we’re working on goals, she thinks me working on the social anxiety primarily will be the most important thing, then a few other things on the side but whenever they come up. (Learning to accept emotions and learning how to handle them instead of detaching, learning to not be dependent on others emotionally but rather enjoy the give and takes of relationships/friendships, etc).

Productive day overall and I’m glad. She’s also very sensitive and wants us to work together when things get rough, and if we hit a topic I can’t talk about right then and there, we can move on to a different topic together.

My homework for the week is to identify as many personal triggers as I can, especially for my anxiety. This will be a very hard week but hopefully helpful. We touched upon a few rough moments, but we also had our fair share of funny ones too.

Depression hit me hard.

•November 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

((This is a slightly older post that I forgot to post until now. The situation has passed and I’m feeling better but it’s still something I’m going to post because it’s important.))

(Warning ahead of time, this post is going to be relatively heavy. I’m going through a tough time and I’m not going to lie or sugar coat the situation. There’s talk of abuse, suicide, and self injury.)

Over the past week I’ve had a lot of time to just sit and think about things after my friend dropped contact with me. The past, the present, my feelings and thoughts. For as long as I can remember I’ve “coped” with things by just distraction or distancing myself from my thoughts alone. When that fails, I do fall and my mood crashes. Before I had people in my life to help me, I used to get really low. I never considered self injury or suicide because of my morals and goals in life. I’ve used distraction for years to handle so many things, such as getting depressed.

When I was in counseling as a child I remember shutting down whenever I was asked how I felt about the abuse, or about my dad being gone, etc. I ended up changing the subject and talking about whatever was easier- at the time that was playing with Uno cards or something else. I often avoided the topic because it was too hard to talk about, and I never felt I could trust any of my counselors. I lost track of how many counselors I had.

Fast forward to now, and I had almost convinced myself that I put it behind for good, that it didn’t hurt anymore and I escaped unscathed. I thought I had won the inner battle, basically. But now that it feels like my friend betrayed my trust and abandoned me, it opened up the wounds again. I’m terrified of being abandoned by people, especially once I get to know them and love them. She was one of the few people I felt that I could talk to about anything, and I did. I managed to tear down emotional barriers and finally felt comfortable, and then this has happened and I feel depressed. It brings me back to all the times I’ve been abandoned by people who I trusted…namely my dad who broke every bit of trust I ever had in him. (And then proceeded to figuratively rip my heart apart again when he sent me a birthday card on my 16th. It basically told me that writing him letters back was more important than me struggling to keep myself sane in school, on top of trying to learn how to make friends and keep my grades up. That’s a whole other story..)

I thought, Friday, that I’d be able to put it aside and move on and just wait it out, see if she’d come back. But after my party on Saturday, things calmed down and I had more time to just sit and think and so I’m feeling down about it again. 😦 I’m feeling upset partially because of her, but also going back to the abuse. I never talked to anyone about it really, any more than i was made to. It’s always hurt too much, and I used to break into tears by just thinking about it. I feel like I’ve distanced myself from my emotions over time, and I never learned how to handle it.

I don’t know what to do. 😦 I have until Wednesday for my therapy appointment and I’m not sure what my therapist will want to say or talk about.

 
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