Tired.

I’m tired of shutting down.
I’m tired of getting overwhelmed and overloaded by every day occurrences or situations.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to the people around me in order to be taken seriously.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders while trying to carry my own baggage too.
I’m tired of being so depressed that I just don’t feel anymore. Not feeling is scary. Scarier than crying in front of someone, which is really scary.
I’m tired of this 24/7 brain fog. Not being able to get the words out. Not remembering what I want to say. Not being able to say what I need to say.
I’m tired of stuttering and having trouble with enunciating words. I feel it, I hear it, but no one else does. My therapist doesn’t even notice it. How?
I’m tired of things being awkward and uncomfortable around my only friends.
I’m tired of falling behind more and more. I can’t drive. I can’t go to the store alone. I can barely take the bus alone.
I’m tired of trying to read in between the lines and not being able to understand how to.

I’m tired of trying so hard and not being heard. Not being taken seriously.
I’m tired of being belittled.
I’m just tired of it all.

Anxiety.
Depression.
Pain.

Constantly.

I wish I didn’t have the gut wrenching sinking spinning feeling every moment of my life about the smallest possible things. Picking up a phone. Even THINKING about picking up a phone. Talking to my therapist about important topics. Talking to the cashier. Thinking about all the things I need to do but can’t do. Worrying about everything that might happen, how it’ll happen, if it’ll happen.

I don’t want to fall to my old habits of spinning the conversations off topic when I’m talking to my therapist.
Or to act like things aren’t as bad as they really are.
But I do this all the time because it’s habit and it’s a protective thing I’ve learned over the years.

Pretend you’re fine and people won’t bother you.

Right?

Not when I’m really feeling like I have to hold everyone around me up with their problems.

But my problems fall to the wayside.
No one understands, no one cares. The only people in my immediate surroundings who do care are my boyfriend and therapist.

It’s not that I perceive them as not caring. It’s that I know they don’t care. They do not understand. They prove to me every day they don’t. My mom especially.
“See it’s not that hard. You’re learning kid.” I’m not a ‘kid’, I’m 21. I’m not “learning” how to make a phone call- I know pretty dang well how to make a phone call. My anxiety will not LET me without making me feel like I’m going to curl up and die right then and there. It’s physical just as much as it is mental.
“How will you ever get a job if you can’t even handle the store?”
“Why don’t you just go back to college and stop being lazy?”
Etc.

I can’t count how many times I’ve broken down in a sobbing ball on her bed just pouring my heart out with everything until I finally become nonverbal from the pure stress. Until all I can do is bite my fingers and wish I could curl up and stop the pounding headaches and the tears and the overwhelming everything. All she can say is “I don’t know what to do.”

I’ve been trying all the techniques and tools my therapist taught me to try and control the racing thoughts and the ever growing anxiety, but they’re so minimally helpful. I do them anyways but I feel like I’m just hiding from the inevitable. Deep breathing, mindfulness, grounding. It only helps so little. It slows my heart down for half a minute and then the anxiety is back in full force.

A bigger breakdown is coming, and I’m not sure how I’ll come out of it. How long can I postpone it from happening, and how much worse will it get if I do postpone? 😥

Sorry it’s so long. Just a lot of things on my mind and no outlet. -sigh-

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~ by silachan on December 13, 2012.

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