Meltdown

Saturday night. I had a full out meltdown/anxiety attack over thoughts that creeped into my mind…Thinking the worst just because no one contacted me. Mom went to go meet someone new an hour and a half away, but didn’t call me at night to tell me she was okay. Over time I started to think the worst…so I called her phone literally non stop for at least an hour. When she never replied I ended up breaking down sobbing…Bob couldn’t console me, no one could. I started to think about what would happen if anything happened to my mom… Where would I go, what would happen to me… I can’t make it out there alone right now. I wouldn’t be able to. I’m still very much so dependant on my mom, and I don’t even know if she realizes how much I do actually love her. It’s difficult to express it right. I find hugs to be awkward. Saying ‘I love you’ is meaningless to me. It’s just 3 words, how do they carry meaning? It’s actions that do it for me. But I can’t even do those ‘right’. Ugh. At least she finally called me and I was able to settle down.

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~ by silachan on October 7, 2012.

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